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| Aviel on her 1st birthday. Good morning, princess!! |
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Unending
The story has not ended. I sit here with Avi crawling beside me, the house quiet as the rest nap. And I think about where I am and where I have been. I am not the same. Start to finish, a big God has done a big work in this vessel. There is a story yet to be written, a story that has already been written. I rejoice to read His words in the pages of my life.
The One Who Comes 12.1.2012
It is Christmas time, and the story of Christ's arrival is still new as it is lived out in my heart..
(Luke 2 from The Message)
There were sheepherders camping in the neighborhood. They had set night watches over their sheep. Suddenly, God’s angel stood among them and God’s glory blazed around them. They were terrified. The angel said, “Don’t be afraid. I’m here to announce a great and joyful event that is meant for everybody, worldwide: A Savior has just been born in David’s town, a Savior who is Messiah and Master. This is what you’re to look for: a baby wrapped in a blanket and lying in a manger.”
At once the angel was joined by a huge angelic choir singing God’s praises:
Glory to God in the heavenly heights,
Peace to all men and women on earth who please him.
Peace to all men and women on earth who please him.
As the angel choir withdrew into heaven, the sheepherders talked it over. “Let’s get over to Bethlehem as fast as we can and see for ourselves what God has revealed to us.” They left, running, and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby lying in the manger. Seeing was believing. They told everyone they met what the angels had said about this child. All who heard the sheepherders were impressed.
Mary kept all these things to herself, holding them dear, deep within herself. The sheepherders returned and let loose, glorifying and praising God for everything they had heard and seen. It turned out exactly the way they’d been told!
Those who were despised and rejected were visited by messengers of the Almighty God, the God who chooses the weak and despised vessels through which to display His glory. And I have seen that in my life...
It was pride, pure and simple. Smugness.
We were headed to the holiday parade, and my boys had nice jackets to wear. Modern jackets. They looked trendy. We would present well.
Home from the parade, two days pass...and Colson's coat is missing. His nice, modern, trendy coat. I am left with a coat for him that is too big, zipper broken, inside fleece missing (it was like that when I got it at the yardsale...).
And I was broken. The fleeting sense of control, of presenting well, was gone, and I was once again simply someone who couldn't quite get it all together. I knew, as I wrestled Colson into the coat he knew wasn't his, that I was coming face to face with my broken, bleeding heart. Please like me. Please tell me I am good enough. Please let me measure up to your standard.
I knew, as soon as the coat was gone, that God, in His infinite kindness, wanted more for me. More than flimsy platforms of pride supporting me. More than a heart that was searching for significance in a world that could offer nothing that truly lasts.
God wants me to see my identity comes from Him, from the One who created me, who formed me in my mother's womb, who rejoices over me with singing. My identity comes from Christ, who took my place on the cross. My identity comes as I rest in the love that is infinitely deep and wide, and nothing can separate me from this love.
Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, goodwill toward men!
Brokenness Revealed 10.16.2012
I serve a God that has been with me in this journey. I gave voice to my brokenness, speaking thoughts I had internalized, lived by, accepted...These lies were spoken, brought into the light.
God can't use me. I am broken. There was a moment of brokenness, a season of wrong decisions, a lifetime of shame. I can be good, kind, loving, but I am a has-been. God does not see me. He has no use, purpose or plan for me. I have been abandoned, cast aside, forsaken for those who can stand before a holy God... and I am existing in my hurt until he calls me home.
As these beliefs were given voice, God came to my aid. He rescued me as furiously as he rescued David...
In my distress I called upon the Lord
and cried out to my God;
He heard my voice from His temple,
and my cry came before Him, even to His ears.
Then the earth shook and trembled;
The foundations of the hills also quaked
and were shaken
Because He was angry...
He sent from above,
He took me
He drew me out of many waters...
But the Lord was my support
He also brought me out into a broad place;
He delivered me because He delighted in me.
And I saw that God allowed me to see my brokenness so that I could see His salvation that has been available all along. As I realized I was drowning, my God came to me, saving me through his loving-kindness. Singing over me...delighting in me.
And I am learning that my life of brokenness is not the story God has been writing...He has been writing the story of my life in ink drawn from his wounds on the cross...indelible, never-ending grace is the story of my life. +-*
God can't use me. I am broken. There was a moment of brokenness, a season of wrong decisions, a lifetime of shame. I can be good, kind, loving, but I am a has-been. God does not see me. He has no use, purpose or plan for me. I have been abandoned, cast aside, forsaken for those who can stand before a holy God... and I am existing in my hurt until he calls me home.
As these beliefs were given voice, God came to my aid. He rescued me as furiously as he rescued David...
In my distress I called upon the Lord
and cried out to my God;
He heard my voice from His temple,
and my cry came before Him, even to His ears.
Then the earth shook and trembled;
The foundations of the hills also quaked
and were shaken
Because He was angry...
He sent from above,
He took me
He drew me out of many waters...
But the Lord was my support
He also brought me out into a broad place;
He delivered me because He delighted in me.
And I saw that God allowed me to see my brokenness so that I could see His salvation that has been available all along. As I realized I was drowning, my God came to me, saving me through his loving-kindness. Singing over me...delighting in me.
And I am learning that my life of brokenness is not the story God has been writing...He has been writing the story of my life in ink drawn from his wounds on the cross...indelible, never-ending grace is the story of my life. +-*
A Day Like Today 10.8.2012
A day like today...
where I didn't know how
or why
but somehow there was grace
a day I could believe
that
I was not defined
by what I was
and a day
to wonder
what God has for me...
a day, perhaps,
of hope.
Beautiful Chaos 10.7.2012
...I've set aside the airbrush. I've wanted to be open with you about the failures, shortcomings, and trials I've encountered as well as the amazing way God redeemed my trail of brokenness. Truly, He has fashioned the splintered pieces of my life into a remarkable mosaic. ~ Jim Daly Finding Home
Friday, November 30, 2012
Here is your change...
Are you up for some change? I have started a new blog...more of the same thoughts, but different. Come join me here!
Monday, November 5, 2012
The Wings of Time
How can three months fly by so quickly?...three months of daily intentions to write, to comment on life, to display the pictures that are my life. "I want you to write more", Delton tells me. And so I carve out a moment to express what is on my mind.
~~~~~~~~
It was after the struggle. The battle had ended...peacefully, with little fanfare. His heart was still bruised from the inner battles he was fighting, the thorn in the flesh that had become more painful in the last few weeks. I watched this child that I loved. My hands had gone limp in the struggle. My wisdom had failed me ...(this child who just came out with a new pair of pants on. Only if you had walked our journey would you understand why I am crying)...and I had done little other than love him as he fought me.
We went outside. He sat down, and I watched his eyes close, his lips move. Talking, praying...to the one who hears what human hearts can't.
And then I understood. All I can do is lead him to Christ. In each moment, each encounter, beautiful or bloody...I have been given the joy, the responsibility, of leading my child to Christ.
I can do that.
I will always be with you
Even to the end
You don’t have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
So you can rest easy
Do not be afraid
Nothing, nothing in the world
Can come between us now
You don’t have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
So you can rest easy
You work so hard to wear yourself down
And you’re running like a rodeo clown
You’re smiling like you’re scared to death
You’re out of faith and all out of breath
You’re so afraid you’ve got nowhere left to go
Well, you are not alone
I will always be with you
You don’t have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
You can rest easy
Scars
Jonny Diaz
She holds for dear life to the ends of the sleeves in her hands,
Covering up lies that she wrote with a razor sharp pen,
And the sting of the blade is no match for the pain of the loneliness she's going through,
But we've all been there too.
Praise God we don't have to hide scars
They just strengthen our wounds, and they soften our hearts.
They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are
So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars
You can still see the mark on his hand where there once was a ring
He watched decades of history dissolve when she wanted to leave
And the hole that it left there inside of his chest
Is a canyon a thousand miles deep
We all know how that feels.
Praise God we don't have to hide scars
They just strengthen our wounds, and soften our hearts.
They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are
So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars
There once was a King who so burdened with grief
Walked into death so that we could find peace
He rose up with scars on his hands and his feet
By them we are healed, by them we are healed.
So praise God we don't have to hide scars
Yeah we know his are covering ours
Praise God we don't have to hide scars
They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts
They remind us of who we have been, but not who we are
So Praise God we don't have to hide scars.
~~~~~~~~
We went outside. He sat down, and I watched his eyes close, his lips move. Talking, praying...to the one who hears what human hearts can't.
And then I understood. All I can do is lead him to Christ. In each moment, each encounter, beautiful or bloody...I have been given the joy, the responsibility, of leading my child to Christ.
I can do that.
Father, hear us, we are praying,
Hear the words our hearts are saying,
We are praying for our children.
Keep them from the powers of evil,
From the secret, hidden peril,
From the whirpool that would suck them,
From the treacherous quicksand pluck them.
From the worldling's hollow gladness,
From the sting of faithless sadness,
Holy Father, save our children.
Through life's troubled water steer them,
Through life's bitter battle cheer them,
Father, Father, be Thou near them.
Read the language of our longing,
Read the wordless pleadings thronging,
Holy Father, for our children
And wherever they may bide,
Lead them Home at eventide.
(Amy Carmichael, from her book Toward Jerusalem)
*************
We were watching a movie after the kids were in bed.
The movie paused, buffering.
We sat there silently, watching the frozen screen.
We could kiss, I said.
So we did.
************
In my journey, this thought has become very personal...a plea from Heaven... My child, don't do anything that would cause you to lose your confidence to stand before a holy God.
*******
***
There are two songs that communicate the journey I am on, the call of the Beloved to his daughter. If you get a chance, find the songs and listen to them... and experience His overwhelming grace...
Rest Easy
Andrew Peterson
You are not alone
I will always be with you
Even to the end
You don’t have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
So you can rest easy
Do not be afraid
Nothing, nothing in the world
Can come between us now
You don’t have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
So you can rest easy
You work so hard to wear yourself down
And you’re running like a rodeo clown
You’re smiling like you’re scared to death
You’re out of faith and all out of breath
You’re so afraid you’ve got nowhere left to go
Well, you are not alone
I will always be with you
You don’t have to work so hard
You can rest easy
You don’t have to prove yourself
You’re already mine
You don’t have to hide your heart
I already love you
I hold it in mine
You can rest easy
and
Scars
Jonny Diaz
She holds for dear life to the ends of the sleeves in her hands,
Covering up lies that she wrote with a razor sharp pen,
And the sting of the blade is no match for the pain of the loneliness she's going through,
But we've all been there too.
Praise God we don't have to hide scars
They just strengthen our wounds, and they soften our hearts.
They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are
So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars
You can still see the mark on his hand where there once was a ring
He watched decades of history dissolve when she wanted to leave
And the hole that it left there inside of his chest
Is a canyon a thousand miles deep
We all know how that feels.
Praise God we don't have to hide scars
They just strengthen our wounds, and soften our hearts.
They remind us of where we have been, but not who we are
So praise God, praise God we don't have to hide scars
There once was a King who so burdened with grief
Walked into death so that we could find peace
He rose up with scars on his hands and his feet
By them we are healed, by them we are healed.
So praise God we don't have to hide scars
Yeah we know his are covering ours
Praise God we don't have to hide scars
They just strengthen our wounds and they soften our hearts
They remind us of who we have been, but not who we are
So Praise God we don't have to hide scars.
Thursday, August 2, 2012
What I Discovered While Going Through Delton's Laundry
"It is nice to know there is one pile in this house that I am not responsible for." That is how I explained to Delton why I wasn't going to put his clean clothes in his dresser. Do laundry- yes. Fold it and iron it- yes. After placing the pile of folded clothes on his dresser or the bed, my job was done. Finito.
A few weeks ago, I decided to bless Delton (and myself!) by clearing off the mountains of clean laundry that covered most of the horizontal space around his dresser. And what I discovered has stuck with me....
Delton's drawers were stuffed full of clothes. Too many clothes in too little a space. As I looked through each drawer, I realized that Delton was using a broken system without complaint. I could help with that. I love to organize, and I know where the resources are to help with this project.
I cleared out winter clothes. Discarded several "paint" shirts. I moved in a three shelf wire rack and filled it with nicely folded t-shirts, shorts, and even some empty space...leaving his dresser hassle free. Breathable.
I was amazed that simply taking the time to step into Delton's life...into an area I had intentionally stayed out of...had given me a greater glimpse of the man I married (he is not a complainer, he likes to hold on to things ) and had enabled me to truly be his helpmate...using my talents to cover his weakness.
What a thought...simply getting involved in the lives of those around us. What could change if we detoured around our usual pathways, our usual routines, our usual duties, and looked at life through the eyes of those we love? First...our immediate family. Our spouses. Our children. What boundaries have I erected that need to come crashing...tumbling...clattering down?
"Her relationship with her mother isn't my problem. I'm staying out of that one"
"When he gets his act together, then I'll..."
"They're her bills, not mine!"
"She has her chores, I have mine."
Where have we drawn lines that have become barriers to deeper relationship, true intimacy? Just a thought that has helped my in my relationships.
I now put Delton's laundry away most of the time. Each time, I delight in the stream-lined, organized system. I enjoy helping him, recognizing all the ways he helps me. So even though all the piles in the house are now my responsibility, I am finding that I don't mind that. I'm even smiling about it.
A few weeks ago, I decided to bless Delton (and myself!) by clearing off the mountains of clean laundry that covered most of the horizontal space around his dresser. And what I discovered has stuck with me....
Delton's drawers were stuffed full of clothes. Too many clothes in too little a space. As I looked through each drawer, I realized that Delton was using a broken system without complaint. I could help with that. I love to organize, and I know where the resources are to help with this project.
I cleared out winter clothes. Discarded several "paint" shirts. I moved in a three shelf wire rack and filled it with nicely folded t-shirts, shorts, and even some empty space...leaving his dresser hassle free. Breathable.
I was amazed that simply taking the time to step into Delton's life...into an area I had intentionally stayed out of...had given me a greater glimpse of the man I married (he is not a complainer, he likes to hold on to things ) and had enabled me to truly be his helpmate...using my talents to cover his weakness.
What a thought...simply getting involved in the lives of those around us. What could change if we detoured around our usual pathways, our usual routines, our usual duties, and looked at life through the eyes of those we love? First...our immediate family. Our spouses. Our children. What boundaries have I erected that need to come crashing...tumbling...clattering down?
"Her relationship with her mother isn't my problem. I'm staying out of that one"
"When he gets his act together, then I'll..."
"They're her bills, not mine!"
"She has her chores, I have mine."
Where have we drawn lines that have become barriers to deeper relationship, true intimacy? Just a thought that has helped my in my relationships.
I now put Delton's laundry away most of the time. Each time, I delight in the stream-lined, organized system. I enjoy helping him, recognizing all the ways he helps me. So even though all the piles in the house are now my responsibility, I am finding that I don't mind that. I'm even smiling about it.
Friday, June 15, 2012
Sweet Summertime
Summer is here. My first summer as a mom where I really sense the shift. We are done with school, and we are free to play all day! My boys can't get enough of being outside, playing with our neighbor girl, checking on the chickens, and most of all... getting wet!! I find it difficult to coordinate my day and get anything done. Colson is too young to play outside unsupervise. Avi needs to eat and sleep inside. The boys want to play in the neighbor's pool. I feel pulled in so many directions and am finding it hard to decide where to be and when!! I think we will buy a little pool so that the boys can play here...that will solve at least part of the dilema!
Many other thoughts, yet many other items on my to-do list...so here is just a few notes and pictures of interest....
Here is my current reading list, including school books for the upcoming year... If you want to know what I think of any of them, let me know...
The Jesus Storybook Bible
Bringing Up Girls
Phonics Pathways
The Nature Connection
How Now Shall We Live
Don't Forget to Write
And some pictures of what keeps me busy and smiling each day...
Avi...my precious princess who is such a joy! She is almost three months old...
Ezra and Colson would take after my side of the family...tall, dark, handsome... :) Ezra seems to favor the Lengeman side (tall like my dad) and Colson seems to favor the Proctors (my mom's side and where I get my stature!)
Buzz cuts, no shirts, sunburn, water balloons...must be summer!
Many other thoughts, yet many other items on my to-do list...so here is just a few notes and pictures of interest....
Here is my current reading list, including school books for the upcoming year... If you want to know what I think of any of them, let me know...
The Jesus Storybook Bible
Bringing Up Girls
Phonics Pathways
The Nature Connection
How Now Shall We Live
Don't Forget to Write
And some pictures of what keeps me busy and smiling each day...
Why Delton rarely works from home...
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Pictures of Blue before Pink takes over
A gorilla on the way to Georgia...
I am waiting for her arrival...can't remember being this ready, this anxious for the other deliveries, but I know I was. I thought Ezra would never arrive...and here I am 5 1/2 years and several children later. Here we go again!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Home away from Home
I am staying with my parents for a week. I feel like a college student every time I say that. Who gets to go home as an adult and just be??? Delton and Ezra are in Georgia for a CPC convention. I am 3 1/2 weeks away from holding my little girl...so I came home for a week, me and Asher and Colson. Just in case.
Mom tells me to sit. Take it easy. I say moving is good for me, then I sit while she makes supper, bathes the boys, cleans up. I chat with my sisters as they come and go throughout the day. I get up early with the boys, and find the house already buzzing as an 18 blow-dries her hair for school, straightens it, bemoans her late night (how did we deal with sleepless nights before we were able to text everyone about it and post a midnight lament on facebook??) and rushes out the door...14 weeks until this chapter of her life closes. Sister#4 has already left, day 2 of a new job, a new adventure. Mom and dad are off to a meeting. I get to say hi and bye, then refrain from calling them when they are home later than expected. They don't check up on me anymore. I don't need to check up on them. :)
Asher was settled in bed at 8:30 tonight. He was scared at 8:45 p.m. and settled again. He is now playing with toys in the living room. We're all on vacation, right??
It is good to be here, so nice to be home once again, with enough time to talk, with little enough to do so that it doesn't feel like a whirlwind visit. Blogging at 9 p.m., without worrying about a house I should be cleaning. Thinking about my day tomorrow, chatting with mom and visiting a scrapbook store and baby boutique...by myself, maybe. I am home. Mom is grandma now. I am also mom. I am home for a week, and life is good.
Mom tells me to sit. Take it easy. I say moving is good for me, then I sit while she makes supper, bathes the boys, cleans up. I chat with my sisters as they come and go throughout the day. I get up early with the boys, and find the house already buzzing as an 18 blow-dries her hair for school, straightens it, bemoans her late night (how did we deal with sleepless nights before we were able to text everyone about it and post a midnight lament on facebook??) and rushes out the door...14 weeks until this chapter of her life closes. Sister#4 has already left, day 2 of a new job, a new adventure. Mom and dad are off to a meeting. I get to say hi and bye, then refrain from calling them when they are home later than expected. They don't check up on me anymore. I don't need to check up on them. :)
Asher was settled in bed at 8:30 tonight. He was scared at 8:45 p.m. and settled again. He is now playing with toys in the living room. We're all on vacation, right??
(Pictures from April 2011, found on mom and dad's computer)
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
My time away...
It is Tuesday, and I am still adjusting to being home...recuperating physically, mentally trying to figure out when to jump back into school, dealing with a house that was clean when I got home but somehow isn't quite as picked up as it was Sunday night. I am tired, but so glad to be home. No regrets that my time away is over. It was a very good time- peaceful, when I expected hectic. It was so special to be there for Krystal, so special to see my younger sister married and starting out on this journey of marriage. It was nice to see my siblings and some friends from the past. All in all, a great time...but I am glad to be home!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Where do I begin?
3 months. It has been that long since I blogged. I didn't recognize my blog...and couldn't have told you what I last blogged about. Rather than trying to catch you up on my life...I will just let you in on what fills my mind tonight.
Delton is outside with the boys. A sanity move, he called it, as the smallness of the house and the largeness of their energy collided after supper. I hear shrieks and running.
Tomorrow morning, early, I am leaving for 4 days. My sister is getting married on Saturday, and I am flying out to Iowa to be there for the excitement. Just me, for four days. And for Delton, just he and the 3 boys. For 4 days.
My older sister and her two oldest children are flying with me. We leave from Baltimore at 9:45 a.m., arriving in Moline, IL by way of Detroit around 12:40 p.m. I get motion sickness, especially when I am pregnant. This makes take offs and landings quite miserable, especially for those sitting around me. Sigh. I just hope there are enough doggy bags in the near vicinity. :)
Bachelorette party (dinner and country line dancing), church set up, family get together, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, wedding....I don't know that this will be a truly relaxing time, but it will be a good time. I don't know quite what it will be like to just have myself to get ready, keep track of, put to bed...what is that like? I think it will be good for me to figure it out...to have a chance to take care of me, especially this close to the end of my pregnancy (I am 32 weeks along---my doctor cleared my to fly!).
I bless Delton for his joy and grace in keeping the boys and sending me. I think he is relieved. The thought of 4 days of driving, then chasing three boys while his exhausted wife recuperates and takes party in wedding events...he said he figured he might as well chase the boys at home! My brother in law had the same thought...he is staying home with his two young boys as well!
My pregnancy, the soon arrival of our little girl, is on my mind. She kicks, and I am delighted. I walk into Colson's room and I marvel at the pink ottoman, the pink clothes in the closet, the pink blankets, that make it her room, and mean that Colson will be moving out sometime soon.
So, that is on my mind. Leaving for a little, and a coming that is forever. I feel blessed.
Delton is outside with the boys. A sanity move, he called it, as the smallness of the house and the largeness of their energy collided after supper. I hear shrieks and running.
Tomorrow morning, early, I am leaving for 4 days. My sister is getting married on Saturday, and I am flying out to Iowa to be there for the excitement. Just me, for four days. And for Delton, just he and the 3 boys. For 4 days.
My older sister and her two oldest children are flying with me. We leave from Baltimore at 9:45 a.m., arriving in Moline, IL by way of Detroit around 12:40 p.m. I get motion sickness, especially when I am pregnant. This makes take offs and landings quite miserable, especially for those sitting around me. Sigh. I just hope there are enough doggy bags in the near vicinity. :)
Bachelorette party (dinner and country line dancing), church set up, family get together, rehearsal, rehearsal dinner, wedding....I don't know that this will be a truly relaxing time, but it will be a good time. I don't know quite what it will be like to just have myself to get ready, keep track of, put to bed...what is that like? I think it will be good for me to figure it out...to have a chance to take care of me, especially this close to the end of my pregnancy (I am 32 weeks along---my doctor cleared my to fly!).
I bless Delton for his joy and grace in keeping the boys and sending me. I think he is relieved. The thought of 4 days of driving, then chasing three boys while his exhausted wife recuperates and takes party in wedding events...he said he figured he might as well chase the boys at home! My brother in law had the same thought...he is staying home with his two young boys as well!
My pregnancy, the soon arrival of our little girl, is on my mind. She kicks, and I am delighted. I walk into Colson's room and I marvel at the pink ottoman, the pink clothes in the closet, the pink blankets, that make it her room, and mean that Colson will be moving out sometime soon.
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